When Things Don't Go As Planned

One hard lesson Motherhood has taught me was that not everything will go as planned (Yikes, this is still a tough one for me to swallow). I’ve always considered myself to be homeopathic and one who tends to rely on natural methods. That being said, I still have tremendous belief and trust in Western medicine but just like anything, balance is what I strive for. Ever since I realized that I wanted children, I knew I was going to have a natural delivery and breast feed. I already knew this is what I was going to do and I didn’t need help or preparation because I set my mind to it and that was that (this is the part when future Meg slaps past Meg in the face). Then I got pregnant and did my research and the list grew. I was only going to cloth diaper and make all of my child’s food from scratch- only with organic ingredients of course!
​
Well, fast forward to when I went into labor. I was 4 days overdue, uncomfortable, but trying to stay positive. My first contract woke me up at 1:20 am and they continued all day. I was never in pain, just felt pressure whenever I would have a contraction that were, for the most part, about 10 minutes apart. I grazed the whole day, not wanting to eat anything too heavy because I had a fear of vomiting and I know that can sometimes happen in labor. Around 4-4:30 pm, I lost my mucus plug and therefore, lost any appetite I did have (so gross). I called my Husband to tell him I had lost my mucus plug and that I had called the midwife so he came home and cooked dinner. I ate vegetable stir fry doused in hot sauce. The moment I finished and put my plate down, my water broke. The moment my water broke was the moment all of my homeopathic wishes had gone right out the window!

My contractions were NO JOKE! I couldn’t talk and could barely breathe whenever I had one and they were about 3 minutes apart. We got to the hospital and security immediately escorted me to the water birth room because that’s what I had requested (another item on my homeopathic wish list- water birth). During a contraction the Hospital staff asked if I would like an epidural and I was leaning toward yes. When the contraction was over, I was fine and didn’t need one. This back and forth continued for a while and I was seriously struggling with myself- did I want to stick to what I said I was going to do or did I want to keep some sort of sanity during this experience and get the epidural? If I got the epidural, I couldn’t do a water birth and I was going to be a mega failure in my mind. Long story short, I went with the epidural and was moved into a regular labor and delivery room. At the time, I was so disappointed with myself but looking back, it allowed my Husband and I to get some much needed sleep and regenerate our energy before the next stage.

I woke up the next morning uncomfortable so I asked my Husband to call in the nurse. The Midwife came in to check me and low and behold, it was time to push! An hour and a half later, Savannah Ryan was born perfectly healthy with 10 fingers and 10 toes! We did an hour of skin to skin, attempted to breast feed and before I knew it, our Hospital room was flipped and ready for a day of visitors. Breast feeding was so hard, but why- it is quite literally the most natural thing there is, so why was I struggling? Savannah was doing great- she could latch and I was producing a good amount of colostrum, but it KILLED! I couldn’t stand to breast feed, it hurt so bad, I was already uncomfortable, sore, and overwhelmed- I just didn’t have it in me. I still tried here and there because I felt guilty. I was supplementing by feeding her colostrum with a syringe to give my chest a break. When we got home, I pumped and bottle fed. Eventually, my milk supply depleted due to lack of eating and drinking on my part.

I was so focused on caring for my baby that I forgot to care for myself. I didn’t put 2 and 2 together that if I didn’t nourish my body, I couldn’t nourish my baby the way I intended to. Another fail. How many failures can I take before I break? Oh, and the cloth diapering…I’ll start when she’s out of newborn diapers…I’ll start when she’s 3 months…but she’s going to day care so maybe I’ll just cloth diaper on the weekends…I’ll do it when we finish the size 2 diapers…etc. etc. Another fail. Plastic bottles- another fail. My baby has a temperature and needs Tylenol- another fail. My child ate cheerios that are processed and not organic- fail. I caved and gave her all of the vaccines recommended by her doctor- fail.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

I finally got over my damn self- ugh! The breast feeding thing still upsets me but then I have to remind myself that Savannah is perfectly healthy and thriving. This is guilt that I am putting on myself. She’s not making me feel guilty, she doesn’t remember that I couldn’t breast feed and had to give her Tylenol that time when she had a temperature. There is one thing that overcomes all of the items on my homeopathic wish list and that is LOVE. The love I have for this child is unimaginable. The actual word “love” does not do it justice. This child is so lucky to have a wonderful immediate and distant family who is loving and supportive. This is what trumps everything else and this is what will make her a better person overall. A child raised with all of the homeopathic essentials and no love, is not a healthy child and not one who will thrive. I have to keep reminding myself of these things even today, a year and a half later.

Things do not go as planned in life and as hard as that might be, sometimes it’s a blessing.

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” –Mother Theresa

Meg

​