Pregnancy Guilt

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses
her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their
child, there isn’t a word to describe them.”

I began writing this post in October of 2018 and could never find the “right” words
to say to make it comfortable enough to put out into the universe. This topic is so
heavy that words don’t seem to justify the emotion; my mouth cannot translate
what my mind is thinking and feeling- it’s the strangest thing. Pregnancy guilt is on
my mind daily and I’m feeling more and more compelled to return to these words-
so here I am…

I’ve heard of survivor’s guilt and mother’s guilt, but never pregnancy guilt.  October
is “National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month”- a month claimed by
President Ronald Reagan in October 1988. *Interesting side note* 1988 is the year
I was born. In that same year, I had a cousin due to make her arrival around the
same time as me, but had tragically passed away during delivery. Can you imagine
how torn my parents and extended family must have been? Here they are with
their new, healthy baby girl- wanting to show her off to the world, and then having
to contain their excitement and also mourn the loss of another little girl who was
not so fortunate.
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I will be the first to shamefully admit that I had never heard of this month because,
by the grace of whoever you believe in, I never had to. Thanks to social media and
being of child-bearing age, this tragedy is becoming more familiar to me. Still, I
know how lucky I am to not have to endure this kind of pain which I can imagine is
unlike any other kind we experience as human beings. The statistic claims that 1 in
4 women will have a miscarriage in their lifetime- this is staggering and frankly,
with the number of women coming forward with their stories, it seems like it should
be greater than 1 in 4. Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant and hyper-sensitive to my
surroundings, or maybe not {edit: I’m not pregnant anymore and still feel sensitive
to this topic}. Why are we so lucky to be able to bear children while others
struggle? Why do some people get to carry unwanted pregnancies and other
families don’t? Many people close to me and others on social media are much
healthier than I am and take care of themselves better than I do, yet here we are.

When I drop my kids off at day care in the morning or when I take them to the
playground to get some energy out and socialize with other children, I wonder- how
many of these families struggled? Or suffered a loss? When I’m at the yoga studio
or a local coffee shop and I see a woman just like me in humble warrior or ordering
an almond milk latte, I wonder- are you struggling? Have you suffered a loss?
Have you made the conscious decision to live your life without children? I suppose
it’s really none of my business, but these are the thoughts that race through my
mind on a daily basis. These are questions I’m eager to know the answers to, yet
hesitate to pry.

I’m not sure if there is ever anything someone can say or do to make another feel
better if struggling with infertility, pregnancy, loss, etc. All we can offer as caring
people is awareness and support. Be aware that some struggle silently while
others struggle openly. Just like anything else, we all cope and manage our
emotions differently. I’ve made a strong, conscious effort to be mindful of this;
especially being in the business of coaching new Moms. My hope is that Moms in
Harmony can serve as a supportive, open community to everyone on their journey
to Motherhood; whether you hope to have children one day, are ready to become
pregnant, going through fertility treatments, suffering a loss, celebrating life,
surviving parenthood in general, or supporting someone going through any of
these. You do not have to go through this alone. Moms in Harmony is here as a
support, regardless if you choose to cope silently or openly. This online community
can offer a safe, confidential space to feel and process what life has in store.

Meg

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*Essential Oil Recommendations for Grief: Agarwood, Guaiacwood, Lavender, Neroli, Patchouly, Mexican Lime "loss of something dear"*