“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses
her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their
child, there isn’t a word to describe them.”

I began writing this post in October of 2018 and could never find the “right” words
to say to make it comfortable enough to put out into the universe. This topic is so
heavy that words don’t seem to justify the emotion; my mouth cannot translate
what my mind is thinking and feeling- it’s the strangest thing. Pregnancy guilt is on
my mind daily and I’m feeling more and more compelled to return to these words-
so here I am…

I’ve heard of survivor’s guilt and mother’s guilt, but never pregnancy guilt.  October
is “National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month”- a month claimed by
President Ronald Reagan in October 1988. *Interesting side note* 1988 is the year
I was born. In that same year, I had a cousin due to make her arrival around the
same time as me, but had tragically passed away during delivery. Can you imagine
how torn my parents and extended family must have been? Here they are with
their new, healthy baby girl- wanting to show her off to the world, and then having
to contain their excitement and also mourn the loss of another little girl who was
not so fortunate.
​
I will be the first to shamefully admit that I had never heard of this month because,
by the grace of whoever you believe in, I never had to. Thanks to social media and
being of child-bearing age, this tragedy is becoming more familiar to me. Still, I
know how lucky I am to not have to endure this kind of pain which I can imagine is
unlike any other kind we experience as human beings. The statistic claims that 1 in
4 women will have a miscarriage in their lifetime- this is staggering and frankly,
with the number of women coming forward with their stories, it seems like it should
be greater than 1 in 4. Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant and hyper-sensitive to my
surroundings, or maybe not {edit: I’m not pregnant anymore and still feel sensitive
to this topic}. Why are we so lucky to be able to bear children while others
struggle? Why do some people get to carry unwanted pregnancies and other
families don’t? Many people close to me and others on social media are much
healthier than I am and take care of themselves better than I do, yet here we are.

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*Essential Oil Recommendations for Grief: Agarwood, Guaiacwood, Lavender, Neroli, Patchouly, Mexican Lime "loss of something dear"*

When it comes to labor and delivery, I hesitate to use the word “plan”. Although what I’m talking about is actually called a birth “plan”, I believe the word “preparation” is more fitting. There is so much planning (or preparation) in and around the birth of a baby. There’s planning around conception and timing, baby names, nurseries, gender reveals, baby showers, child care, doctor’s appointments, etc. Why not put the same amount of energy into preparing how you envision your labor and delivery unfolding? A birth plan is a blueprint for your ideal L&D experience (before, during, and after). It is a way to communicate your wishes with the Hospital staff and to remain realistic with what the Hospital is actually able to provide. For example, if it is your goal to deliver in a birthing tub, but your Hospital of choice doesn’t have a birthing tub, you may need to seek out other options. Seems pretty straight forward, right?
 
When I was pregnant with my first child, my Husband and I were a part of a centering group. The group was led by one of the Midwives and a Medical Assistant. We got to know the group pretty well and I felt my wishes were known so I didn’t feel compelled to create a birth plan. In fact, when I called the midwife to say we were coming in to deliver the baby, she had already prepared the birthing tub without me having to ask! I highly recommend participating in a centering group if you have the option, especially for your first experience. It’s a highly supportive and informative program! Also, my Husband and I were fairly new to the area so it was a great way to meet others!
 
For our second pregnancy, we did not participate in the centering group. I met a new midwife at each appointment and only saw them for a short period of time. During this time there were also several new Midwives, which was wonderful, but I didn’t feel like we knew each other as well as I knew the Midwife who ran the centering group with my first pregnancy. In this situation, I felt it was necessary to create and share a birth plan with my healthcare team.
 
I shared it with a midwife at an appointment around 30-32 weeks (I believe…pregnancy brain!). We went through it together and she complimented me on several things which made me feel empowered! At my next appointment, I met with another midwife and she commented positively on my birth plan as well (I didn’t have it in hand so I know she read it in my file). YES! They all took the time to read it over and I know it resonated with some of them because they reiterated it back to me at my appointments leading up to the birth. This made me feel heard, comfortable, and supported by the birthing team- a priceless feeling!

Whew, this is a lengthy post! I just love this stuff and I assume you do too if you've made it this far. Just remember, nothing is set in stone- you can change your mind at any point along the journey. And as always, what's right for someone else, may not be right for you- listen to your gut, you know yourself best!

Meg